Thursday, April 13, 2006

After a Couple of Beers...*hic*

Alright folks, I've just returned home after having a couple of beers - I'm not *exactly* capable of coherent thought right now. I'll just be jotting down whatever comes to mind...

For some reason, I'm unduly troubled by my supposed inability to get a date. No, not the sort one sees on calendars; I was referring to romantic engagements - an activity the vast majority of my peers are involved in (which, for some rationale, I have been deprived).

Don't ask me why this preoccupies my mind - I haven't got a bloody clue myself either. It just doesn't seem fair that the most undeserving (at least in my opinion) of males seem to be going out with just about every girl in town, whereas I am ostracised by every single female of marriageable age.

So I've got people telling me I ought to change certain aspects of myself before any girl would be willing to commit an entire evening to me.

Cut your hair, I've been told - but get this, prior to my 17th year, my hair was short and neat - but that didn't attract girls by the busload, mind you.

I am reminded that many girls have found my interests and habits either abnormal, peculiar, repulsive or all of the aforementioned. Going by the sort of guys they're going out with - I suppose being Satanist, a heavy metal rocker, a smoker, a drinker, and a stunning inability to commit to a single relationship would be very attractive qualities to find in a man. What is so abnormal about a passionate love for books, "dead" languages and the Holy Orthodox Church? Something terribly nauseating/abhorrent/detestable about dilettantes, pedants and devout men? If there is, TELL ME NOW.

I'm at the point that I'm going to resign myself to either of these options - 1) acquire a mail order bride or 2) banish myself to some remote monastery. My father is telling me almost on a monthly basis to use a condom if ever I am unable to control my passions - but what is the point of telling me that when I've never even held a girl's hand (2 year old Mara doesn't count)? Even if I never had that much of an interest about entering into a relationship, the immense pressure from the thrice-cursed media and society is greatly influencing me to think otherwise.

I am forcing myself almost daily to recognise celibacy as a far more superior state than marriage could ever dream to be - this in order to maintain my sanity. I confess that I do have a great desire to be married and have children; but looking at things the way they are now, it would seem that dream (being in line with most other dreams I've had) isn't meant to be fulfilled.

You tell me that I am still young, that I am only 18 with many years ahead of me. Please don't expect me to tell myself that until I'm 28. I've seen real people who have - it isn't pretty. And with almost everyone around you involved in a romantic relationship at least once, you really feel that good ol' biological clock ticking away.

When I was 12, a fella told me everyone would have experienced a romantic relationship by age 14. So I waited - my 14th year came and went - nothing happened. So I went back and asked him, he did say 14 might be a little too early for some, but by 16, *everyone* would have had experienced a romantic relationship. My 16th year came and went with nothing of that sort happening. Now that age has been revised to 18 - who wants to wager that it'll end up as 14 and 16?

The nocturnal fantasies that visit me every night is causing me great distress. I feel that they are in every way, sinful and are an abomination unto the Lord. Yet I know, deep down, I desire them, for they satisfy, to some extent, my carnal desires. I admit that on more than one occasion, I have been tempted to solicit the services of a prostitute - financial strains has stopped me from doing so, however. I shudder to think what could have happened if ever I had plenty of cash to spend.

O Blessed Lord, who hast set up for us an example of ideal purity, strengthen me, I beseech thee, when temprations besets me, and when strong passions seek to overwhelm me, that I may remain constant in virtue and innocent in thought, word and deed, doing such things only as are well-pleasing unto thee; grant me growth in wisdom and understanding, that I may serve thee in holiness all the days of my life: through the intercessions of thine all-immaculate Mother and of all thy saints, especially my patron saints Constantine and Anastasia. Amen.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, there’s a third option: turning gay.

Jokes aside, I honestly feel for you. I, too, am a failure in love. In my case, no girl has actually rejected me – because I didn’t even have the guts to approach them.

Sigh… up till this day, I’m still nursing a crush on a classmate from semester one of last year. It got so bad that I felt utterly depressed when the classes changed for semester two. I became increasingly inward looking and anti-social and ended skipping practically the whole semester. (Fortunately, I’m back on my feet again… but still thinking of her.)

I think that she knows or at least suspect that I like her. There were times when she avoided me for no particular reason. Which only serves to lower my self-esteem and make me feel even more unworthy. I really wish that I can tell her that I like her. It will really get this huge weight off my chest. But I always falter…such is my fear of rejection.

As for “nocturnal fantasies”, it’s normal for guys to have them. But if you’re obsessed with them, then something IS wrong (and I hope and pray that you’ll soon be cured of this). To be honest, I used to be haunted by “nocturnal fantasies” too. After I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, I repented and told myself to stop. I’m not entirely successful however. Sometimes I suffer “relapses”… I can only repent and try again.

Don’t worry, Constantine, you’re not alone in your struggles. God is always with you, and there’s also me, your fellow failure in love. I’ll never give up and neither must you!

God bless us two lovesick fools. Amen.

Yours truly,
Heng Yu

Thu Apr 13, 04:12:00 am 2006  
Blogger Francis said...

Hey! I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, but I can most definitely sympathize! Lots of girls/women here are going after the types of guys that you describe in your article, so don't have any doubts about my ...qualifications to speak on such a matter. Haha. I have two bits of "wisdom." First off, I know that this will seem a wee bit ridiculous based on your (and my) current situation, but I'd have to say that you must be careful if you do end up in a relationship. Don't jump at the first chance, especially if the girl is not a true follower of Christ. I, in the past, have had some issues with this, so I thought it best to give you that (rather generic) warning. Secondly, celibacy isn't all that bad, and I truly believe that all of us (men) need to consider a religious vocation. When so many people these days turn their backs on God, there will be an increasing need for men (and women) religious. I'm not trying to be politically correct (necessarily), but we do need more priests AND more female monastics (not sure if that's the correct term necessarily. I wanted to say "nuns," but that seemed to be far too generic. Oh, well.).

Anyway, back to the main point...

Don't lose hope! If it is the Will of God, you will find a wife. Otherwise, a monastery isn't all that bad, right? ~.^

PS. A while back you posted the Jesus Prayer in multiple languages. I'm not particularly well versed in cyrillic (or so I thought it was). Perhaps you could link to an audio file or something of the sort so that I could get an idea of how the prayer ought to sound? I have learned a form of the Greek alphabet, and I've been told that a few of the letters carry over, but I wasn't entirely sure. Either way, if you have the time to provide further information, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks! ^.^

Thu Apr 13, 11:20:00 am 2006  
Blogger Ian said...

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, Constantine. Please be assured of my prayers.

God bless.

Thu Apr 13, 07:57:00 pm 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If it were possible for me to rewind and go back in time, you would find that my thoughts were very similar to yours.

Seven years ago, I was 17 and unable to figure out why everyone else were in relationships. I desperately wanted to meet someone and feel 'normal'; I desired normality so much that I had a one-night stand with a man at a party.Everybody else was doing it, and since I couldn't find someone who was genuinely interested in me as a person, I decided to lower my standards. I told myself it wasn't so bad, since Cosmopolitan and telly kept telling us that such behaviour was fine, particularly for women, who need to 'explore their sexuality'. After that, I even stopped hoping, and decided that I was too weird, that that was as good as it would get.

The following year, I met the man who is now my husband. I had given up on ever finding anyone; to tell the truth, I was quite bitter. Bitterness is not a good thing - as you can see, it made me do some things that I deeply regret today.

If you are truly called to monastisicm, you will know.You will be in my prayers.

Fri Apr 21, 04:47:00 pm 2006  
Blogger Constantine said...

Thank you all!

Sun May 07, 10:29:00 pm 2006  

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