After a Couple of Beers...*hic*
For some reason, I'm unduly troubled by my supposed inability to get a date. No, not the sort one sees on calendars; I was referring to romantic engagements - an activity the vast majority of my peers are involved in (which, for some rationale, I have been deprived).
Don't ask me why this preoccupies my mind - I haven't got a bloody clue myself either. It just doesn't seem fair that the most undeserving (at least in my opinion) of males seem to be going out with just about every girl in town, whereas I am ostracised by every single female of marriageable age.
So I've got people telling me I ought to change certain aspects of myself before any girl would be willing to commit an entire evening to me.
Cut your hair, I've been told - but get this, prior to my 17th year, my hair was short and neat - but that didn't attract girls by the busload, mind you.
I am reminded that many girls have found my interests and habits either abnormal, peculiar, repulsive or all of the aforementioned. Going by the sort of guys they're going out with - I suppose being Satanist, a heavy metal rocker, a smoker, a drinker, and a stunning inability to commit to a single relationship would be very attractive qualities to find in a man. What is so abnormal about a passionate love for books, "dead" languages and the Holy Orthodox Church? Something terribly nauseating/abhorrent/detestable about dilettantes, pedants and devout men? If there is, TELL ME NOW.
I'm at the point that I'm going to resign myself to either of these options - 1) acquire a mail order bride or 2) banish myself to some remote monastery. My father is telling me almost on a monthly basis to use a condom if ever I am unable to control my passions - but what is the point of telling me that when I've never even held a girl's hand (2 year old Mara doesn't count)? Even if I never had that much of an interest about entering into a relationship, the immense pressure from the thrice-cursed media and society is greatly influencing me to think otherwise.
I am forcing myself almost daily to recognise celibacy as a far more superior state than marriage could ever dream to be - this in order to maintain my sanity. I confess that I do have a great desire to be married and have children; but looking at things the way they are now, it would seem that dream (being in line with most other dreams I've had) isn't meant to be fulfilled.
You tell me that I am still young, that I am only 18 with many years ahead of me. Please don't expect me to tell myself that until I'm 28. I've seen real people who have - it isn't pretty. And with almost everyone around you involved in a romantic relationship at least once, you really feel that good ol' biological clock ticking away.
When I was 12, a fella told me everyone would have experienced a romantic relationship by age 14. So I waited - my 14th year came and went - nothing happened. So I went back and asked him, he did say 14 might be a little too early for some, but by 16, *everyone* would have had experienced a romantic relationship. My 16th year came and went with nothing of that sort happening. Now that age has been revised to 18 - who wants to wager that it'll end up as 14 and 16?
The nocturnal fantasies that visit me every night is causing me great distress. I feel that they are in every way, sinful and are an abomination unto the Lord. Yet I know, deep down, I desire them, for they satisfy, to some extent, my carnal desires. I admit that on more than one occasion, I have been tempted to solicit the services of a prostitute - financial strains has stopped me from doing so, however. I shudder to think what could have happened if ever I had plenty of cash to spend.
O Blessed Lord, who hast set up for us an example of ideal purity, strengthen me, I beseech thee, when temprations besets me, and when strong passions seek to overwhelm me, that I may remain constant in virtue and innocent in thought, word and deed, doing such things only as are well-pleasing unto thee; grant me growth in wisdom and understanding, that I may serve thee in holiness all the days of my life: through the intercessions of thine all-immaculate Mother and of all thy saints, especially my patron saints Constantine and Anastasia. Amen.